Who has control?

And how is it linked with submitting to God?

These questions have been running around in my mind off and on for years, since I discovered the strong will in my son (which he gets from me). For strong-willed kids obedience often comes down to control (and they HATE arbitrary rules that don't make sense).

So, who controls what?? And how does allowing a child to have control jibe with scripture? Fathers are admonished not to exasperate their children, so arbitrary rules that exasperate would be unbiblical.

How much control is too much? Today, I did an experiment--Sam has a friend spending the day here, so getting in his violin practice was going to be difficult (it is the only school we do on Fridays in the summer). His friend, Eric, and he were playing video and computer games while I was getting dressed and working with a student.

My normal mode would have been to try to make Sam practice his violin during this time, but I just kept quiet (of course, nothing happened). When I was finished with my student, I asked Sam "When are you going to practice your violin?" the response (all parents know his repsonse) was "I don't know."

Let me tell you that "normal" mode has often ended with yelling and tears and Sam saying he HATES practicing and he wants to stop lessons.

So, I made him stop and decide when he would practice his violin. He chose an hour from the present. I then made him set a timer for an hour. Then I said nothing. When the timer went off, I helped him get his violin, stand and music into a quiet room away from video games. He willingly went and is practicing his violin. He asked just now if he could go see something Eric is doing and I reminded him he needed to keep his word and he stayed with the violin with no outburst at all.

The submission to the rule is in place (you must practice your violin every day). The timing does not have to be part of the rule--so control for Sam and submission were both present.

As far as some rules feeling arbitrary-we have discussed with Sam that ALL of God's rules and instructions have a reason and make sense, but that we will not always be able to understand. We have to trust God to have a reason and obey seemingly arbitrary rules, because occasionally the reason comes after it is necessary to obey. I used the example of almost stepping on a (very small) rattle snake once when Dwight had said "STOP" repeatedly. I was waiting to understand before I obeyed and could have been bitten (except it was SO small).

So, when it comes times to schedule school I hope to be able to give some of that control to Sam and have a more peaceful education.